tireeeeeeed of listening and believing

hello present me

low self-confident . that's is what i'm struggling with now. i have this fear , this fucking feeling inside of me that i've been avoiding. i just can't stand it. it's getting worst than ever. past couple of weeks when i did my presentation in front of lecturer and my friends. i didn't feel anything at first. but all of a sudden this weird feeling came crawling into my mind. and i don't know whether my heart beat slowly or faster than normal as it always do. then i feel like i lose my consciousness for a short time because of a temporarily insufficient supply of oxygen into my brain. i can't see clearly.my eye sight is getting blur. i've tried to fight that fear but failed to do it until now. still suffer with this fucking annoying symptom. i know you will think this is stupid.i'd try not to believe.but sometimes it kills me for not knowing what is happening to me. i just hope you and me understand what is happening to me right now. and figure this out.

ps: i'm lack of everything. easily give up and pemalas.that's my fucking problem.pemalas. i don't know why.i have no effort in doing something.i do have interest in something but i have no effort on trying my best to learn it by myself.this is why when i do something then i stop doing it. it is because i feel like i'm so stupid. i'm surrounded by creative people. i feel stupider than ever. with people kept on yelling and telling me that i'm stupid. push me harder to not believing in myself. what am i supposed to do. Ya Allah please help me.please guide me.. let me be strong..

say

what is it that you want to know? i can't figure it out. you have made me become someone that i don't even know how explain and how to deal with myself anymore. i start to think deep , dark , and i have no clue. i can't get my point straight. i started to blame myself , well others too. i love you.but you make me confuse with everything. i don't know how you express your feelings towards me. you said that you need me but certain things you don't bother to make me be the first to know. i know i'm lack of everything. even i like to call myself as jinx. but that doesn't make me the last to know. sometimes i feel that you want your life back. you want to spend your time with your friends.i can do that.i can handle that.i'm sorry for being this annoying little bastard that control your life or whatsoever. you always think that i'm the fire in every fight we had. maybe my words are just shits as me. i don't know. i don't know. before everything went bad. i'm telling you the truth - i can't stand it when i'm the last person to know. i can't stand it when you said my stories are boring. you and your twitter. your girlfriends that doesn't seems to bother my existent. and you always ask me to tolerate when it comes to girl and your reason with schoolmate. you hate everything about me. name one thing that you like about me? do see any chemistry between us? i'm lack of everything ,i'm stupid. i feel so small and so low whenever you and azhar or others were talking about things that i'm not good at it. i want to be with you.i want to be like you.you have full confident in yourself. you can do everything.i'm so proud of you.i love to brag bout you when i'm with my friends and cousins.but did you the same?i guess not rite?cuz i  have nothing.yes i know you will say that i have no target or interest on concentrate in one thing.i did feel that you know.but you wont let me.but i'm fine with that. it takes time.it takes you to help me and guide me you know.i always need you for everything. but sometimes you feel that i'm using you.but the truth is i just thought that you're goin to be my husband, so i need you to be in everything i do. guide me. help me. don't scold me don't get mad at me. yes i'm slow.i'm not a fast learner. and i'm lazy. i hope you can be patient about it. i can't stand when people critic or shout at me. you as my boyfriend you should have known rite?please aiman.i love you more than anything. i love you so much. but theres things that you need to learn to be a great boyfriend and husband-to-be. i know i did too much wrong in the past.but that was my past.i'm your girl now. and i'm ready to be your wife. of course i have learned from my mistake and trying my best to be a better person.maybe sometimes i forgot. but i'm trying aiman.i love you.and i want to marry you.why in the world would i ever find another guy or flirting around? i have you? it seems to bother me when the first thing you think about me is flirting around and being a slut. aiman if i'm that bad. and you still can't tolerate and forget bout my past then what are you waiting for?i'm no good. i hate it when you smoke.i just hate it.that is so not you.aiman that i know he did not do those thing. i'm freaking mad cause you're trying to be a man and cool when you're with azhar.with his provocative words. i fucking hate that. i know what happened between you guys.guys always talk shit."what?why didnt you smoke?haha you scare of her?haha..hoho"CRAP! that is bullshit. yes i'm jealous with azhar. he want you so bad.since first semester.everybody know aiman.everybody know. i can see the look on his face when he's the first person to know bout you. and now i now you will say that i'm talking crap.i don't know bout the truth. only Allah know his feeling towards you.all those words are just because i'm too jealous. see like i told you before i can't think straight. so aiman please and please think about everything. do you really need me?and why do you need me?what am i to you?

ps:i love you so much aiman firdaus.i just want you to be happy.